Today is my birthday.
Thank you.
I’m not geriatric yet, but I’m older than I ever thought I’d be. I used to be aprehensive about turning a “certain age”… but not so much anymore. Even though most of my hair has a silver tinge, I have to get out of bed slowly so nothing “snaps”, I can’t read anything without glasses, and I have to pee at 4 am every morning. Overall, I feel the same as I did when I was 25.
Although, I have been happier for the last few years than I can ever remember. I’ve struggled with depression most of my life. Been in therapy a few times and even tried a handful of anti depressants. (probably even more depressants) But lately, everything has just come together. I’m in a great relationship, I’m a published writer, have a comfortable home and a Jeep I’ve paid off, and I have the career I’ve always dreamed of.
Does that mean that I’ve made a few good choices?
I think it does,
It’s the wisdom that comes from life experience that shapes who we are.
I’ve been reflecting on what I’ve learned the past 50 (Good God) years and the things I wish someone would have told me about 30 years ago because it might have saved quite a bit of time and frustration.
So here goes:
Advice to my younger self.
Let things go. So much wasted energy. We’re not even going to dwell on this one.
Step outside your comfort level. Eat at a new restaurant once in a while. Don’t be afraid to go to parties alone. Introduce yourself to strangers. Some of my best vacations have been from exploring cities on my own. “Buy the ticket and take the ride”
Some people are just assholes. They’re self-centered or slaves to their addictions. They’ll screw over friends, lovers and anyone else around them. These people make decisions for selfish reasons. Just be ready for it.
You can’t take it with you. It’s hard to believe that I just wrote that; someone who is currently sitting in a living scrap-book of a house containing every Martha Stewart Living magazine ever published, enough Christmas ornaments for 10+ households and all his childhood toys (with the boxes). But I really do believe it. When I lost a bag containing all my fraternity shirts a few years ago I was just devastated. Even though I know I was never going to wear any of them ever again. I may not have the t-shirts anymore, but I still have the memories……and those will always be with me.
Some services are worth paying for. Find a good tailor to hem those pants. Get your shoes shined. Go to the dentist regularly. Get a pedicure. Things that seem like luxuries can make a world of difference in how you feel about yourself.
Charm will take you much further than a tantrum. It took all my inner strength to keep calm and suggest that maybe Jo Ann’s Notions and Crafts should find a few more people to staff the fabric cutting table, rather than throwing a fit. There were 30 women waiting in line in front of me…..all waiting for one old lady to cut 3/4 a yard for them. A smile and a “thank you” worked. It usually does.
Shit happens. So expect it to, and just roll with it.
There are good people in the world. I lost my wallet once at an amusement park. Not only did it contain my entire cashed paycheck, but my brother’s half of our shared rent as well. I know, pretty stupid to have that much cash on me….. at an amusement park.… but I was young. Someone turned it in to the lost & found, with ALL the cash still in it. Simply unbelievable. I have no idea who it was, and I’ll never know, but I knew immediately that I wanted to be that person.
Character is earned. For years I was without a car. I did my best mooching rides off of people, taking cabs, and mostly riding the bus. This is a major confession in a city where people are judged almost entirely by the car. But I was self-sufficient. I was also able to save enough money to buy a decent car …… it took a while, years actually. But no one gave me any money. No one co-signed. I didn’t even bum a ride to the dealership. (I took the bus) I did it myself. That’s one of the things I’m most proud of in my life. People who have everything given to them rarely know the true value of anything.
Relationships will change. I have a few relationships under my belt by now, and I know – people change. It’s not your fault. It’s not their fault. You can’t always change with them. You won’t always be what they think they’re looking for. And that’s OK. No one enters a relationship with the intent of hurting the other person a few years later. And most people don’t leave one with that intent either. It’s just an unfortunate side effect.
You can’t make someone love/appreciate/value you. My type has always been the guy who just wasn’t that into me … but still wanted me close by – starting with the first one. I’ve spent way to much time trying to figure out what I didn’t do enough of. But you know what? If they really wanted to, they’d find the time for you. A text message only takes about 15 seconds. Don’t waste your energy on people who don’t return it. Instead, focus more on the ones who are glad to have you in their lives.
Always do your best work. I think this is also one of the four agreements and it’s so true. Being the perfectionist that I am, it’s usually difficult for me to walk away from any project – I still edit blog posts from 5 years ago. If someone can see it……I want it to be the absolute best that it can be. No one is impressed with someone who only does the bare minimum.
One last piece of advice;
Travel more. It’s cliche, I know, but nothing opens your eyes and mind more that new experiences. I love to travel – maybe not quite so much for work – and I’m finally at an age where I can afford to do things I couldn’t just a few years ago. Last week, Jamie and I made a bucket list. It was as varied as taking a day trip to Waco to experience Chip & Joanna Land to snorkeling the Great Barrier Reef in Australia.
I want to see Machu Pichu and the Vatican.
Monument Valley, Alcatraz and Santorini.
Mercer House, Graceland and Casa Azul.
And I will too.
All this advice aside, I’ll still probably make a few bad decisions, I can be a little self-centered and I know that my sense of humor has occasionally been known to hurt people’s feelings.
But overall, I’m happy with the guy I grew up to be.
And 50 isn’t the end of anything,
It’s just the begining.
THE CAVENDER DIARY 
Happy Birthday! Sage advice! Hope you have a fantastic day!
Happy birthday, wishing you many more.
Happy Birthday!! Great advice! It took me a long time to figure out life and to be happy with me! What is the old saying, too soon old, too late smart! Looking at 70 next year and I don’t know how I got here so fast!! Hang on….it sure speeds up after 50!
Well said!! Happy Birthday. I’ve actually emailed you in the past. I live in Lakewood and we are kindred spirits. Same old house experiences, LOTS of the same books, and TONS of Christmas decor…you may have me beat in that category.
Wise words, beautiful sentiment! Thanks for sharing your birthday with ALL of us, your followers.
Hopeful that some day our paths will cross in one hood or another.
Lisa A
P.S. I’m trying your beet salad for T’giving. Anxious to share with friends at our thankful table.
Thanks Lisa. I lived by Casa Linda for a few years, and by the Lakewood Theater for a few more. I’ll bet we drove past each other more than a few times. If you do see me, please say “Hi”. And let me know how the salad goes over.
Happy Birthday,,, 50 is just the beginning of wonderful things coming to you, Enjoy
Hope you had a great birthday! Good advice, too.
Oh, James, this sounds like the happiest birthday EV-ER! Jeff and I wish the very best…as you said, it is yet to come!!! (Then go do the Time Warp again!) –Erik
happy birthday! here’s to many more!
Happy Birthday Loved this one!!
Chuck L ft. lauderdale
Happy Birthday James! Wonderful story of your first 50. I could relate to so many of your comments. You seem to have it all together and remember age is only a number. Can’t wait to hear about your next 50!
Wishing you a wonderful birthday, James. I can relate to so much of what you’ve learned. Looking forward to your next 50!
Happy Birthday! I’m right behind you. I need to show you my father in laws ‘77 bronco.
So happy I caught your post. Wonderful words. Wishing you a Happy Birthday and many more!
Hi James. Happy birthday! Thank you
from the bottom of my heart for this.
I’m 55 and I just learned things I should have figured out a few years ago about myself and about others. I always think that you will get along better in life if you had to work for it. Yes, I took the bus. I think you should know your directions (NSEW) and use them. It orients you better to where you actually are. And don’t be afraid to drive in ‘the big city’. I live about 1 1/2 hours outside of Vancouver BC Canada in a farming area, and when I drive into Vancouver, I am most comfortable driving and walking there. Aging is not the most magical of experiences, but the things you learn, take in, love and appreciate along the way make it all worthwhile. All the best to you.
Happy Birthday! I enjoyed all your reflections of the age! Go Seize the day!
Happy Birthday! I loved this post. I believe I will print this off for my teenage children to read. Very, very good advice!
Wow. Wow wow wow.
Thank you! I needed to hear every single bit of that.
I’m am making everyone read this now 🙂
Happy birthday and thank you for the terrific advice that I intend to share with my sons! I am 58 and I must say, the 50s have been pretty darn good. Yes, there might be a few more aches and pains but you really have more time to focus on the things that matter to you. I always look forward to your posts. T
Happy Belated!! Hope you enjoyed your day.
Happy birthday and God bless. Life just gets better from here. Phyllis, age 75!,,
Happiest belated Birthday wishes to you! As always, great post! I am only a year behind but I sure can relate to so much of your post. This really is such a wonderful time of life, with that right combination of owning who you are and not worrying about people think about ( I mean in a healthy way) Best wishes to you on your 50th Birthday 😘
Happy birthday two days late! Just wait until you turn 60. It’s a doozy!
So touching and true and with so much love ❤️❤️❤️
Love this. So. Much. Happy belated!
Isn’t it wonderful? I’m 57 and never been happier. I think it takes life experience to reach this state, good and bad, it’s the path that brings us to true contentment. Happy 50th! A toast the next fifty, the road ahead looks promising.
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! Thank you so much for the great advice as well! 🙂
Thanks Caitlin. I’ve been in Phoenix a lot the past year. Think of you every time I’m there. Have you been to Bungalow yet?
this was a charming post. I enjoyed it very much. And I can appreciate it since I’m in my … ahem … 60s … egads. But I have to tell you to get to Mexico City and enjoy Casa Azul. I simply loved it. It felt magical to me and I was thrilled almost beyond words. Mexico City is definitely worth a visit. The cathedral is fabulous, as is the tapesty/tilma of Our Lady of Guadalupe. And a short distance from Mex.City is the incredible ruins of The Temple of the Sun and The Temple of the Moon. absolutely. Thrilling.