There was a squirrel nest in the only tree in the backyard, and intricately woven into that ball of leaves and twigs was a long strip of a weathered American flag.
It stopped me in my tracks.
It was like when that dove shit on Dianne Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun.
The squirrels here were decorating with American flags.
They get me.
It was a clear sign to me that that this was the house for us.
That we were home.
Flash forward a couple years to the moment when I caught our back-door neighbor (I like to use the term “Back-Door Neighbor” because it sounds like the title of a 70’s porn) shooting at the squirrels with a pellet gun…
and I just lost my shit on him.
Seriously,
LOST.
MY.
SHIT.
He never said a single word of rebuttal, just stood there staring at me as I loudly ranted; comparing him to Jeffrey Dahmer and Ed Gein – both of whom tortured and killed small animals as children. I know, I know. I should have held my temper. He did, after all, have immediate access to a gun… it was still in his hand.
But these were MY squirrels. Squirrels that I had names for. I feed them in the winter months leaving pecans along the top of the fence. I talk to them whenever I do yard work, and they talk to me too. They really do. They let me know whenever there’s a cat in the alley. When I chase one out of my fig tree they never hold back their disagreement, chattering loudly at me from a safe distance above our yard, that the figs are just as much theirs as they are mine.
Which they aren’t.
Yes, of course I should have done the adult thing and apologized to the neighbor for being so overly-emotional – we might be living next to each other for the rest of our lives – but within a month he had sold his house and moved…
…for reasons that I’m relatively sure were completely unrelated to me – the high strung, rodent-loving fag across the alley.
Anyhoo, Jamie saw one of these things on the internets the other day and since I have a butt-load of scrap wood in the garage, ferrel animals that need pampering, and all the free time in the world, I thought I’d give it a go.
I’ve included some basic instructions just incase y’all might wanna try making one of your own.
(I used pressure treated lumber, only because that’s what I had on hand, but you can use whatever wood you like.)
Here’s what ya need to cut;
- 5 – 1″X2″, 8″ long
- 2 – 1″X2″, 5 3/4″ long
- 4 – 1″X2″, 4 3/4″ tip to tip
- 2 – 1″X1″, 9 1/2″ long
Start with the table top, Line up 3 of the 8″ boards, table top planks, with a 1/4 inch spacing between them.
In case y’all are wondering how three 2 inch boards lay on top of a 5 3/4 inch board with space between them, it’s important to point out that a 2 inch wide board is really 1 3/4 inches wide – wood shrinkage, apparently. “Why don’t they just cut the wood slightly larger to accommodate for the shrinkage?” you may ask. No clue. It’s been driving me crazy for decades… but every single straight man on the planet just accepts this fact. So let’s move on….
I attached the top cross pieces to the table planks with drywall screws. Be sure to leave distance between the cross piece and the ends of the table planks; 1 inch at one end and 3/4 an inch at the other.
Next I built the seats with the remaining 8 inch planks and the two 1X1s. Also leaving 3/4 inch distance on one side and 1 inch on the other. The narrower side will go up against the tree.
For the legs, I set my miter saw at 22.5 degrees, that’s one quarter of 90 degrees, and cut 4 of them at 4 3/4 inches long.
The legs I attached with a brad nailer because I didn’t want to see the screws on my finished table.
Then I slipped my seat piece in-between the legs, resting just about an inch from the bottom of the feet, and brad nailed it too.
And here’s my finished table.
The front has a slight overhang, while the back of it is flat so it will hang flush on a tree, or fence, or wherever.
I obviously just screwed mine to the side of our tree, about 8 feet up –
just high enough to really piss of our dog,
and baited it with raw peanuts.
Didn’t take long for Jamie to snap a shot of one of our squirrels enjoying it.
I think this goes without saying, but it’s mounted on our side of the tree and not facing our new backdoor neighbors; Anna and Diego.
They don’t really strike me as the types who would shoot at little animals…
…but I have no intention of helping them with their target practice either.
You’re welcome squirrels.
Now stay out of my fig tree.
THE CAVENDER DIARY 
I’ll have to try that. Between the gorging coon, squirrel and chipmunk, the birds get shortchanged at the feeder. Maybe I’ll let the big guys have peanuts at the table. Altho when my husband shot at the coon to scare it he just eyeballed us . Or eyerolled us
Our Coons aren’t that brazen… I mostly see them scamper away from headlights. But a friend of mine had one that would knock on her patio door if the cat food bowl on the patio was empty….
I love squirrels! It is amazing how many people really hate them. They are adorable, smart and athletic. What is not to love? This affection for squirrels may stem from the fact that I brought home a baby squirrel when I was 5 years old and we raised it. It took some doing, but we finally acclimated it back outside and it visited us for years. That was 65 years ago, I am pretty sure Chippy has passed on! There was quite a discussion on the gardening group I belong to about wildlife and gardening. It seems some people believe they are invading our property, while I have always felt we are invading theirs.
Love the picnic table. I live under a virtual pecan forest, so my squirrels are happy squirrels.
Chippy sounds adorable. I had a Guinea pig named Sunny. Like Von Bulow. He took family trips with us. He even took a Delta flight with me once. Had to have his own ticket too. Swear to God. My dad said the pig’s ticket was the same price as mine.
Ohmygod, I love that you cared for the squirrels so much you lost your shit on your neighbor!! I have been known to throw down some verbal passion at dumb ass, heartless people myself. And thank God he moved away! It would’ve really sucked to live next to someone who obviously hated animals, and people, for the indefinite future. (Having bad neighbors can ruin your home, I’ve been there.)
Btw, we just got the keys to our new home & spent the day there yesterday (changing locks, swimming in our new pool, taking out the hideous and gross contact paper from the cabinets, etc) and were so excited when 2 squirrels bounded along our fence line, playing in the pine trees that flank both corners where our back neighbor’s yard meets ours. My husband exclaimed, “look! We have wildlife!” Now to see if his excitement will produce a squirrel picnic bench…hmm…
Honestly, after 16 years in a 2-bdrm condo with a balcony, we’re all just freaking excited to finally have a single family home, with a real backyard! (Though, I should clarify it’s a California back yard, not a Texas one.. you know, cuz size does matter.) And like you, the signs were immediately there -from the street # and name, to the grape vines in the yard and a built in wet bar (that will be one of my remodel projects). There are stories of us for each of these things but ultimately the fact that we beat out 10 other offers & we were the only contingency, makes me feel this home is meant to be.
Oh! And please tell me you’ve watched this video of a NASA scientist and his impressive squirrel obstacle course, (which all started when he tried to find the perfect squirrel-proof bird feeder and well, had way too much time on his hands.) It’s truly amazing and hysterical! Plus, Phat Gus!! Lol! ❤
https://youtu.be/hFZFjoX2cGg
Happy Sunday!
Lisa
Sent from my iPhone
OF COURSE, I’ve seen the squirrel obstacle course!!!!! I love stuff like that!!! Congrats on the new house. It has to feel like you’re free after 16 years. When you know…. you just know. Right?
Love this! Especially the fact that he/she has such good design sense. They are lucky to have you and vice versa.
He. That’s the squirrel I call, “the boy”. He was in litter of 3. The other 2 I call, “the girls” – they are always together. He finds me fascinating, btw.
Very cute!
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Awww, Thanks Laurie.
….and just when I didn’t think I could POSSIBLY hold you in any higher regard…..!!! You are simply THE BEST! I couldn’t be more proud of you if you were my own son!!! Thank you for giving that old neighbor the ass-chewing he definitely deserved! We love our squirrels in our yard & I hope I never find anyone trying to harm them. Your little table is adorable & I firmly believe that your squirrels are loving it! Bless your heart!!! Feral or not, all animals deserve our respect!!
Awwww thanks Vickie. I’ve been telling that story for a while. Glad I could share it along with the awesome pic Jamie took of the squirrel I call “the boy” sitting on my table watching us. Agreed about all animals deserving our respect. What kind of sociopath just kills little animals for pleasure? And he knew that I feed them too.
I love this. I might make one for my dog’s birthday. She spends most of her day staring at squirrels from our sun room. She has never caught one. It would add to her entertainment.
Please do! I’d love to see pics!! Logan thinks he’s stealthy, but the squirrels are way faster than he is… AND not even remotely afraid of him. They even taunt him sometimes.
I love that you love squirrels! I love that you lost your shit on the old neighbor! You are my hero! Also, love the picnic table! 😊💕
He really seemed like a nice guy. Just, Kinda… you know, “country”. And I really do love our squirrels… I have names for them and they even come hang out with me in the yard sometimes. Probably because I talk to them and they find me incredibly fascinating…. Anyhoo… thanks.
Thank you for protecting the squirrels from the neighborhood ass.
We had a family of squirrels that lived in a tree in front of our kitchen window when we lived in Montana. They were so cute to watch. They loved apples, seeds, crackers and basically anything that was left out. Yes, we had a little post for them facing our house. ❤️
We had a golden retriever and I swear the squirrels played with him {okay, maybe tortured him} because he could never catch them. It was so funny.
Now we live in Arizona our little friends would roast their little nuts in the heat; it is so damn hot.
Xo little 🐿! You hit the jackpot!
Catherine Torstenson
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Thank you for defending the squirrels! My dad would have literally pounced on anyone that mistreated an animal. Good for you! The table is adorable. I have tons of squirrels and I love them. Glad the schmuck moved!
James, back in 1980 I had a Gnome Home that I built. It was an exact replica of the scene on the back of your book. But it was a kit that came with everything, which was cut-out furniture and glue. The colorful furniture & decor item had “fold” instructions, and little tabs to tuck in. Sometimes I’d accidentally tear off the tab, thus the glue. I loved that little house, and it sat on a table in my apt. At Christmastime, my roommate and I broke a little branch off our tree and made a Christmas tree for the Gnome House. A few months after making it, I gave it to a friend’s daughters. I saw that same kit on ebay about 5 years ago, original uncut, unused, and I contemplated buying it. But there were school supplies for my kids to buy, So I let it go. Now I search and search for it, and don’t find it. Why did you retire and why did the whole thing get discontinued?
Thanks,
Louise
Ohhh, I didn’t retire. Just on a hopefully temporary break from work. I’m actually getting so much done around the house! 😃
best